I came across the “5 stages of grief” in an episode of Scrubs.
The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the “five stages of grief”, was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, ‘On Death and Dying’ (1969 )
The stages are as follows :
Stage one: Denial
["I feel fine"; "This can't be happening, not to me"]
Denial is usually like the knee jerk reflex. Straight up.
Stage 2 : Anger
["Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"]
Denial is soon replaced by rage, envy, resentment and jealousy.
Stage 3: Bargaining
["Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."]
This involves part surrender, but the want to negotiate, or delay the inevitable. A lot of people resort to prayer.
Stage 4 : Depression
["I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"]
This is where it starts sinking in, and the certainty is understood or starts to be comprehended. Albeit running out of time, one may choose seclusion and loneliness over the company of loved ones. Strangely enough, its best not to attempt to cheer a person up, when he/she is in this stage.
I think ‘guilt’ would / could also start setting in about this point. I think that is what starts gnawing from within, possibly elevating the depression.
Stage 5 : Acceptance
["It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."]
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his mortality or that of his loved one.
Whats also important to note is that the issue at hand cannot be forced. And everyone can and does take their own time. I guess, the care giver would struggle with having to deal with personal as well as the loved one’s journey.
Kübler-Ross claims that the stages many not necessarily manifest in the same order, nor that they absolutely will with all. Often, she states, people experience a “roller coaster” effect— switching between two or more stages whilst, returning to one or more several times before working through it.
Grief counselling is recommended for people who struggle over a prolonged period of time, to come to terms with it.
While Kübler-Ross, and the episode, was referring to the discrete stages in the process of dealing with terminal illness, and to any level of grief (or in her words ‘catastrophic personal loss’ ); it got me thinking. Sure, you can see these when people are nursing a broken heart. Some other thoughts which sprung to mind were : attempted suicide, death row and euthanasia.
Having witnessed both terminal illness and death in my family, I tend to deal with my grief in my own way and at my own pace. I don’t like to be rushed, nor to be crowded.
Do (scientific) miracles have a role to play ? Does ‘Denial’ and ‘Anger’ coupled with ‘Depression’ become key in pushing the person over the edge i.e. clinical insanity or paranoia ? Does it come from the feeling of “lack of dignity” or an inability to deal with reality ?
I don’t quite know why I was tempted to write about this. May be its because, I tend to differ with the theory. I think that the feeling and the stages themselves, stem from a place of “fear” more than the actual loss itself. Be it terminal, academic, physical or mental.
I plan to navigate my way through those stemming from de-addiction blues to the best of my ability, starting today. Of course my addictions (and delayed/deferred new year resolutions) are beating laziness, less of watching TV (more reading), avoiding junk food, and to a lesser extent – quitting smoking and reducing intake of booze. Wish me luck.
Let me leave you with a haunting melody titled ‘The long road” sung by Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. This song is the OST of a favourite movie of mine “Dead man walking”.
Lyrics :
And I wished for so long…I cannot stay
All the precious moments…Cannot stay
It’s not like wings have fallen…I cannot say
Without you something is missing…I cannot say
Holding hands of daughters and sons
In their phase they’re falling down
Down, down, down
I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you again
Will I walk the long road? I cannot stay
There’s no need to say goodbye
Oh, the friends and family…
All the memories going round
Round, round round…
I have wished for so long…
How I wished for you today
And the wind keeps rollin’
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set
The sun will rise another day
I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you today
I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you today
Will I walk the long road?
We all walk the long road
January 10th, 2011 at 23:37
People might misunderstand if you write ‘de-addiction’. Need to be specific about the problem(s).
Nice change in front page.
January 12th, 2011 at 17:17
Quite frankly, this has been a timely this post for me. She has spelt the stages wonderfully in those 5 points, and I must admit that its often hard to categorize the wavering thought process in this fashion when you’re in one of those situations, so a point-of-view always helps! Then you can take it at your own pace.
The ‘fear’ factor, as you say, plays its part. I actually read the poem ‘Invictus’ again after reading your post, and also replayed the movie, and that gave me a better perspective on that ‘giving-up-the-fear’ part.
Anyways, lovely song that, and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan creations are mesmerizing to say the least. The lyrics do justice to the genius that he was.
Here’s wishing you luck in your endeavor to get to the bottom of those resolutions and get over the blues en-route.