Khushboo si hai jaise hawa mein tairti
Khushboo jo be-aawaaz hai
Jiska pata tumko bhi hai
Jiski khabar mujhko bhi hai
Duniya se bhi chupta nahin
Yeh jaane kaisa raaz hai

————————

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya

Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

——————

Pighlay neelam sa behta hua yeh samaan
Neeli neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen
Na kahin aasmaan
Sarsaraati huyi tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh rahi hain ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan
Aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne honay pe mujhko yaqeen aa gaya

—————

Dilon mein tum apni
Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Nazar mein khwabon ki
Bijliyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Hawa ke jhokon ke jaise
Aazad rehno sikho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise
Lehron mein behna sikho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo
Khole apni bhaayein
Har ek pal ek naya samha
Dekhen yeh nigahaein
Jo apni aankhon mein
Hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum
Dilon mein tum apni
Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum

(Mom) Wear your cap, its hot.
(Kid) Can I get a coke ?
(Mom) Here is some water.
(Kid) But I want a coke.
(Mom) Coke is not good for you honey
(Kid) That guy is having it. You have it.
(Mom) Yes, but Mommy regrets it now (Showing a broken / extracted tooth) See? I lost my tooth because I have coke. Its bad for you.
(Kid) Ok, alright. Mommy can I have an ice cream ?
(Mom) No sweetie, it will spoil your teeth.

(Shows the rest of her teeth. They look alright to me)

(Mom) See ? Here have some water
(Kid) Have you had a lot of coke and ice creams mommy?
(Mom) Umm…

(does not seem to know where this is going, so does not answer)

(Kid) Mommy ?
(Mom) Yeah, yes baby (answers absent mindedly)
(Kid) Is that why you go to the Doctor ?
(Mom) Yes sweetie, he is going to fix mommy up.
(Kid) Mommy, will you be alright ? Does it hurt?
(Mom) No baby its fine.
(Kid) Ok, then lets get me a coke and 2 ice creams

I cannot help but smile. The Mom looks at me. I give her a wide smile with a nod (suggesting, he got you there sweetheart). She returns mine with a shrug (suggesting, how could she have walked right into it)

(Mom) Okay, lets go find one for you.

Kid dances around and claps his hands.

————-

How could he know
This new dawn’s light
Would change his life forever?
Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he’s feeling
He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He’ll just sail on

How can I be lost,
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

These days drift on
Inside a fog
It’s thick and suffocating
His sinking life
Outside it’s hell
Inside, intoxication
He’s run aground
Like his life
Water much too shallow

Slipping fast
Down with his ship
Fading in the shadows
Now a castaway
They’ve all gone away
They’ve gone away

How can I be lost
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?
How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
So how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

Rush, hurry, flock
Time goes by, painful tick tock
Hear a key turn, snap goes the lock
Eyes & ears, like a hawk

Rewind the clock,

Her retorts, hurt and mock
About a shirt, dinner, in laws and a sock

I smile, don’t want her to walk
If it gets to me, will I balk?
Emotions surge, pause, take stock
Screech, halt, people gawk
Bottled up, and caulk
A few punches and a whack

Distribute pain, ad-hoc
Revived, defibrillator shock

Call from her friend, Jacques?
News flash, am no impervious rock

So alike cheese and chalk
Jack and the bean stalk

Deadlock, lever up ball cock
Its been a week of sweet talk…
Just a week of sweet talk…
Yet another week of sweet talk

All the while I was (and am) jealous of you…
You felt the same, until we hit “undo”…
A day arose, when a snap of mine got many a comment…
To sum up, that does our relationship, cement…

More I tried, you tried otherwise, different paths we surged…
When I stopped, you did too, & the similarities emerged…
As grown ups, and guys, we don’t express as much…
Frankly, we know, and never needed anything such…

All I have to say is Happy bday Bro…
Never been good with gifts, and this will have to do…
Nothing more nothing less…
Looooong live and god bless…

Cheers Ranjeet

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the “five stages of grief”, was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, ‘On Death and Dying’ (1969 )

The stages are as follows :

Stage one: Denial
["I feel fine"; "This can't be happening, not to me"]

Denial is usually like the knee jerk reflex. Straight up.

Stage 2 : Anger
["Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"]

Denial is soon replaced by rage, envy, resentment and jealousy.

Stage 3: Bargaining
["Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."]

This involves part surrender, but the want to negotiate, or delay the inevitable. A lot of people resort to prayer.

Stage 4 : Depression
["I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"]

This is where it starts sinking in, and the certainty is understood or starts to be comprehended. Albeit running out of time, one may choose seclusion and loneliness over the company of loved ones. Strangely enough, its best not to attempt to cheer a person up, when he/she is in this stage.

I think ‘guilt’ would / could also start setting in about this point. I think that is what starts gnawing from within, possibly elevating the depression.

Stage 5 :  Acceptance
["It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."]

In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his mortality or that of his loved one.

Whats also important to note is that the issue at hand cannot be forced. And everyone can and does take their own time. I guess, the care giver would struggle with having to deal with personal as well as the loved one’s journey.

Kübler-Ross claims that the stages many not necessarily manifest in the same order, nor that they absolutely will with all. Often, she states, people experience a “roller coaster” effect— switching between two or more stages whilst, returning to one or more several times before working through it.

Grief counselling is recommended for people who struggle over a prolonged period of time, to come to terms with it.

While Kübler-Ross, and the episode, was referring to the discrete stages in the process of dealing with terminal illness,  and to any level of grief (or in her words ‘catastrophic personal loss’ );  it got me thinking. Sure, you can see these when people are nursing a broken heart. Some other  thoughts which sprung to mind were : attempted suicide, death row and euthanasia.

Having witnessed both terminal illness and death in my family, I tend to deal with my grief in my own way and at my own pace. I don’t like to be rushed, nor to be crowded.

Do (scientific) miracles have a role to play ? Does ‘Denial’ and ‘Anger’ coupled with ‘Depression’ become key in pushing the person over the edge i.e. clinical insanity or paranoia ? Does it come from the feeling of “lack of dignity” or an inability to deal with reality ?

I don’t quite know why I was tempted to write about this. May be its because, I tend to differ with the theory. I think that the feeling and the stages themselves, stem from a place of “fear” more than the actual loss itself. Be it terminal, academic, physical or mental.

I plan to navigate my way through those stemming from de-addiction blues to the best of my ability, starting today. Of course my addictions (and delayed/deferred new year resolutions) are beating laziness, less of watching TV (more reading), avoiding junk food, and to a lesser extent – quitting smoking and reducing intake of booze. Wish me luck.

Let me leave you with a haunting melody titled ‘The long road” sung by Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. This song is the OST of a favourite movie of mine “Dead man walking”.

Lyrics :

And I wished for so long…I cannot stay
All the precious moments…Cannot stay
It’s not like wings have fallen…I cannot say
Without you something is missing…I cannot say

Holding hands of daughters and sons
In their phase they’re falling down
Down, down, down

I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you again

Will I walk the long road? I cannot stay
There’s no need to say goodbye

Oh, the friends and family…
All the memories going round
Round, round round…

I have wished for so long…
How I wished for you today

And the wind keeps rollin’
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set
The sun will rise another day

I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you today

I have wished for so long…
How I wish for you today
Will I walk the long road?
We all walk the long road

Misery [ Maroon 5, Hands All Over, 2010]

Misery
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
So scared of breaking it
But you won’t let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I won’t ever send
Somehow it is cut so much
Deeper then they seem
You’d rather cover up
I’d rather let them be
So let me be
And I’ll set you free

I am in misery
There ain’t no other
Who can comfort me
Why won’t you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I’m gonna get you back
Gonna get you back

Your salty skin and how
It mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be
Completely intertwined
It’s not that I didn’t care
It’s that I didn’t know
It’s not what I didn’t feel,
It’s what I didn’t show
So let me be
And I’ll set you free

I am in misery
There ain’t no other
Who can comfort me
Why won’t you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I’m gonna get you back
Gonna get you back

Say your faith is shaken
You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
I’m desperate and confused
So far away from you
I’m getting here
Don’t care where I have to go

Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won’t you answer me, answer me yeah
Why do you do what you do to me yeah
Why won’t you answer me, answer me yeah

I am in misery
There ain’t no other
Who can comfort me
Why won’t you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I’m gonna get you back
Gonna get you back

I finally had a chance to watch “Crazy Heart“. It is definitely a ‘must watch’. A simple tale of an country artist, based on a book by Thomas Cobb; Crazy Heart is a story of hope, simplicity and ‘taking one day at a time’.

A song from the movie, really hit home with me, with the catch phrase…’It’s funny how falling feels like flying for a little while’.

I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go
seein’ who I shouldn’t see
doin’ what I shouldn’t do
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be

a little voice told me it’s all wrong
another voice told me it’s alright
I used to think I was strong
but lately I just lost the fight

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

I got tired of bein’ good
started missing that old feeling free
stop actin’ like I thought I should
and went on back to bein’ me

I never meant to hurt no one
I just had to have my way
if there is such a thing as too much fun
this must be the price you pay

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

you never see it comin’ till it’s gone
it all happens for a reason
even when it’s wrong
especially when it’s wrong

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go
seein’ who I shouldn’t see
doin’ what I shouldn’t do
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be

Last night, I was invited to a dinner at a good friend’s. I politely declined the offer [I am not sure it was received as polite]. I wanted to spend some time..alone…and think about things.

Within a few minutes, I wanted to stop thinking…but couldn’t …so I resorted to something I always do when I don’t want to think. I watched a few movies…back to back. In all honesty, sometimes, movies or songs…or conversations of any kind….lead you down the paths you have traversed before. And its strange how there never is a new beginning, a new road…a new option…and you are at the same dead end…again.

That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.

Just if you’re ever in trouble, don’t be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away.

[Forrest Gump, 1994]

The dialogue from the movie Forrest Gump, applies to the state I was in last night…No I did not go for a run (it was cold and I was hungover)…but may be I should have.

Are ruk ja re bandeh
Are thum ja re bandhe
Ki kudrat has padegi … ho
Are neendein hai jakhmi
Are sapne hai bhooke
Ki karvat phat padegi ho

Are mandir ye chup hai
Are masjid ye gumsum
Ibadat thak padegi ho
Samay ki lal aandhi
Yeh kabristan ke raaste
Are latpath chalegi ho

Kise kafir kahega
Kise kayar kahega
Teri kab tak chalegi ho

26th July, 2006;
A cold, windy and wet morning, I landed in Australia.
26th July, 2007;
On a cold, wet winter night I reminisced with a few drinks…
26th July, 2008;
On a cold, windy morning I came home on a train…
26th July, 2009;
I was there …

26th July, 2010;
I am here …

As the clocks around him wind
Coffin shiny with leather lined
He is gone but memories remind
A humane bum amidst inhuman “mankind”