I went back home…with a strange sense of…excitement…and anticipation…thinking….brooding….and planning….every single moment….Its too much of an under statement to say..I was looking forward to this trip…more than anything I have been looking forward to…for a long time….as long as I care to remember….
After having a great time with my folks in Muscat….and feeling rejuvenated…and full of life…I wanted to come back home…A part of me…wanted to feel like Shahrukh Khan..in the movie Swades….a part of me wanted to stay back…a part of me…was longing to catch up with everyone…and feel “at home”….feel complete…I did not want people to throng around me…queue up to meet me…and be all excited and stuff…well….no…..thats not what I was expecting….after all I am not a film-star nor even a politician…
The first three days were fun…with Big Bro around…there wasn’t a moment without fun….As I waved him good bye…knowing I won’t see him for some time….I walked back to the house….climbed the stairs….they have never felt so long and unending…I opened the door….played with my neighbor’s daughter….and went about my life…meeting friends…relatives…doing chores…everything was all right….I missed him everyday since then….
There was so much to catch up on…..so many people to meet…..everyone seemed so excited to see me…I felt special….I really did…and then ….just like a “special offer”….it expired….Just like a soap bubble…which bobs and bounces…..reflecting a shiny rainbow of colors….and then just goes..POP….
I was never alone…….but always felt so….even when I was with my closest and loved ones..a strange feeling came over me…A feeling…I cannot put into words….I feeling I cannot explain…I feeling…which made me want to puke….it started eating me…devouring me…I don’t need to be more eloquent about it….I guess everyone feels it sometime or the other. I felt I did not belong….that I was an alien…that I was “unwanted” even. I do not wish to hurt all the friends I met and had a great time…this was something which was brought on by me…purely by my subconscious. I did not click even a single picture….I felt…this memory was not worth remembering…
I talked about this …. to two of my closest friends…..people I share everything with….and strangely…I felt…at that very instant…that a long time has passed….an ever widening gap…has been introduced….between us……that indeed a year has passed….that realization came too late….it shocked me … that time gone by…….changed me…changed them…changed….everything…and I felt let down…I felt hurt and alienated…unwanted…and I wanted to go back to Muscat or Sydney….even back to Sydney….One of them…said she went through the same things….and consoled me…the other…said that I was nuts…and I should learn to compromise…and give Pune some time….to come good…and that everything was the same….the only thing wrong…was the way I was looking at it….
It was one of those weeks where so much happens…and you don’t quite know…how fast you are going…but at night time….I would stay awake and ponder…and relive the good moments…but this feeling…did not let me be….it haunted me…gave me sleepless nights…
I guess “out of sight…..out of mind”…..is very very true….India…especially Pune…as I knew it…does not exist…I guess I am jumping the gun…after all….I was there only for a week…probably if I stayed for longer…I would have got over this feeling….but that feeling itself…wanted me to…in fact made me….leave….and made the departure so easy…and mundane…A tear-less good bye…means so much…it means you are glad…but it also means that you are parting on good terms….without any “excess (emotional) baggage”…
All this sounds very bad….and serious…but come to think of it….I spent ages thinking about this very thing happening when I went away….and thats what was holding me back…egging me to stay back…making every step I took harder and harder…I thought…I should not leave my home…..not because I didn’t want to break away and would not be able to….but because…of the fear…that I won’t have an identity any more….my existence…not literally…but apparently….will be lost…blurred, finished and forgotten….
This was my feeling of insecurity…before I left….and now…seeing it taking shape….right in front of my eyes…I wasn’t angry or devastated…as I thought I would be…I was relieved…and it … amused me more…I guess….it was like confronting your worst fear…and coming through…I felt….was the best thing about going back…it changed me…the way I look at things….it just changed everything…pronto….in a matter of seconds….I guess ….life is all about moving on…
Everyone needs a rock to hold on to…I have that in my family….I can always depend on them and go back….and feel “me”..and feel complete…I have friends and loved ones ….who are moving on too….but who I still love and who still do love me back….tougher winds have always threatened and loomed on the horizon…I came through battered and broken….but strong…and am better of…
Something that I struggled to accept… who wants their worst nightmares to come true….and yet..I was and am so glad it came true and that I came through. I am not bitter….neither am I devastated…or heartbroken. I guess I thought was too much of a weakling..a part of me is glad I am not….I thought I was immature….maybe I still am that…but I have a renewed sense of self esteem…and self respect…..and no one can do without it….ever….
I was desolate and started packing my stuff….three days in advance of departure….I wanted out…..I made it through…the two days which followed….always feeling…something was lacking…..my smile, plastered on my face….didn’t fool me….not one bit…..
On the final day…As I opened my old cupboard…it had my pair of my old jeans….I practically lived in those jeans….that jeans was much more that a piece of denim cloth and stitches, buttons and straps….it was comfort personified….it was my second skin…I anxiously tried it on…and it fit me…better than before….as I had shed a few extra kilos around the waist…but it wasn’t the same. I happened to glance at my reflection in the dusty mirror…wondering if it was me…wondering…if I had changed too….my reflection smiled back at me….and in spite of myself….I was smiling….I was at peace….
I hold no grudges…no sour memories…my trip to India…was great…a much needed “shot in the arm”…in the literal sense of the word….I felt a high….like a drug…..running through my veins…. It taught me “moving on ” is a part of life…that change is inevitable…I didn’t want my trip back to be any different…I spent quality time with my loved ones…and loved every minute of it….I made a vow to myself….”I am not coming back to India”…..Well…I am not….not to the India…which I left a year ago….I will go back to the India….which would have changed and aged with me…and I will take things with a fistful of sugar and a pinch of salt…. !!!I am and will always be Indian. I will always be “me”…but like I have said so many times before…”Why be yourself, when you can be better” ???
Cheers..
Elk_Jr.
My sincere thanks to my best friend Aaditya Bhat, Devayani Abhyankar, Vinayak Murgodkar, Surendra Barshikar, Sandeep Amdekar, Gaurav Satalkar & Yogesh Kulkarni…Dentist Behere kaka (uncle) ….they made my visit worth it….and of course…I thank my Bro Rishi, my cousins Aditi & Priya Lakhe (and their mom, Madhuri Lakhe) and Avantika Sonak, my sweethearts – Richa Modak, Amruta Bapat, Madhura Gadre, Manjiri Sonavane, Manasi Patvardhan, Snehal Patwardhan & Sayali Kale, my dear friends Snigdha and Dheera Akolkar…the rockers….Ketan Avalaskar, Rahul Arvikar and Vijay Desai…..Amita Deshpande (met her after a long long time)…..Friends from MCOE who came to see me…..in particular Aashish Bhutkar, Pranav Godbole & Aditya Deodhar…
I whole heartedly apologize to the people I could not meet….
Most of all…I thank….Harshavardhan Dixit, a father now…..the one guy….who wanted me to come back the most…who wanted me to stay back the most…and who made me feel special…and never let that bubble pop…a true friend…
Virtual Panopticon 
June 6th, 2008 at 05:45
Hi,
You have a real nice blog spot..I have read most of it and I must say a very good job indeed! I have never commented on any of your blogs but this one I couldn’t stop myself coz I share the same feeling…But I guess we have to live with it as it was OUR decision to move out of our comfortable cozy nests to explore the world…
Well continue the good work and keep in touch..
Luv
Roopa
August 4th, 2009 at 23:45
Ranjeet
I was reading this old one and thought about my moves here and there. How many? endless number just to earn education and a living (some relatives call it luxury).
Every time you go back to the previous environment, you have the same agonizing feeling about things left behind then, people or even the buildings and places you wanted to meet already displaced themselves or changed or disappeared from the face of the earth.
It also depends on what you came looking for. The much desired feelings like love, tenderness, empathy appear to have melted and vanished, because the people concerned have left or changed or allowed themselves to change, or moved like pawns on a chess board by their (or our?) destiny. We can not blame the earthly entities to have vanished or disfigured, but the shock of the living beings shifting their appearance is difficult to accept.
As you muse, we have also to move on and accept all this as our destiny. Question is whether there was an injury or severance of a bond. How long one keeps it nursing or look at it as an injury is entirely up to us. The basic right we have is to remain happy internally, and negate the thoughts which trouble us, when earthly beings or the living beings change.
You can forgive Pune I believe, have no grudge and forgive it for changing. Because we are here not to have bleeding injuris but to have as many personal experiences,convert their givings to enrich our lives into becoming happy inside and share them if possible with others.
Becoming a global citizen is difficult, although Dnyaneshwar preaches Vishvachi Maze Ghar. In comparison, Vishvache Arta (anguish) Mazya Manee Prakashale is easier to digest.
On that count your Bro and Aai score well and are already one level up, remain happy come what may, make people happier than many.